nepenthean's Diaryland Dream Diary


anxiety / i try / rooney / dining advice

what happened first was that i was trying to cross over a concrete bridge the same way i got around the pool when i couldn't swim as a kid -- by shimmying across the side on my arms and fingertips. it was night time and i could see waves of dark water below. someone speculated that i wouldn't make it, and i wondered whether i would. somehow i got far enough to reach a ladder (free-swinging ladder), and i was able to get ahold of it and get down. i made it! i felt my confidence return when i saw the ladder; somehow, i knew i could do it.

next, i was either between classes or hanging around after school, talking to people and enjoying saying hello to people (mostly guys). i even swung my backpack into someone's back to say hi, just like the old days. i felt good and sort of aloof at the same time, but at least i felt (mostly) like i belonged.

then i was at a holiday gathering of rooneys, my aunt's family. i was thinking recently about how everyone in that family is sufficiently older or younger than me that i don't really fit in. ever. so, per usual, there were 90 million people there and i didn't know too many of them, only that they were all members of the family. i did learn some intriguing things, though: kathy, my aunt's sister, actually has 11 kids, not 2; that with all of their collective child-rearing experience, including being X of 8 and having many children themselves, they'd all collaborated on an advice book for young parents; and that kathy's 18 year old daughter, kristen, was now married and her last name was pittsburgh. i looked over at kristen and marvelled at it all as she fussed over her new baby.

then, abruptly, the scene changed back to school. a lot of people were chattering all at the same time, and i heard a guy apply a poem to a particular situation. i wished i knew poetry well enough to do the same. everyone was bright and capable. standing around with them, i didn't quite feel that way, but i think i could've. people were talking about dining and how girls with long hair sometimes got theirs in their soup. then i looked around and some of them had completely aerodynamic hairstyles to combat the problem! the updo's were impressive. some people were talking about which restaurants were good, and i heard someone say, "don't eat at xyz. the food adds weight to your ears." sound advice. i woke up right after that.

11:36 p.m. - 2003-11-25


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